Hello out there,I might be here!

Well it sure has been awhile since I've been here to jot down my thoughts.The summer ran by quickly with the soil from my front garden down the sidewalk with the rain.We got our puppy from my dear friend,we had a great family trip to Pa to get her and visit with my friend and her family.We had hopes of returning for many more,our children all seemed to enjoy each other,my children really seemed to like my friend.The sensory issues came into play while we were there,but I think that overall we had a good trip.I hadn't realized how much I loved my friend until that visit,or how fantastic of a mum she was.I knew she was a great mum,and did everything for her children,but it was even better being there in person seeing her in her element.She was wonderful with my boys,my lil'Duke just took to her,and NoNo,well he had a serious breakdown because he didn't want to leave!He said I love her,and I love her kids mumma I don't want them not to like me I don't want to leave,I want to stay here longer.....Please can I come back to visit her and play with her kids mumma,PLEASE! I hugged him held him tight let him cry through his tough moments and promised him he could,that WE would come back,and they'd come visit us!We collected our puppy and came home!

The rest of the summer flew by what with our house hunting,and appointments to get the boys the right support in school in the fall!We missed getting together with them when they came for their summer visit with their grandparents,school started and life got even busier with being under contract on our new home,and all the driving for all the boys.The big guy got into the Alternative High school,and he's doing wonderfully grade wise,he's started therapy at the clinic.The Duke is just blossoming like a flower,we see new things daily with him,the boys are trying to find their way in kindy,and still going to clinic once a week.I just don't know how other moms do it!I struggle daily to get through the normal day-to-day stuff.I don't have time to get on-line everyday nevrmind multiple times daily,but others can manage,along with their other various dutiies as mom,and squeeze in jobs,and moms taxi drives I sit in awe of all of you fantastic mothers!I beg you to come help me organize,and share your wisdom with me in my messy toy covered floors,piled up laundry with dirty-laundry monster,sink full of dishes,dishwasher half loaded,beds unmade,no schedual to really speak of,mom taxi all over town house!

Some people really seem to be able to do it all,and I just don't have a clue how they do it.I hate the phone most of the time,I do the very bad nono of using my driving time to chat or get some phone errands done!I know,I know,I know this is a very bad thing!But I have to say I'm glad that I have always kept that available to my dearest friend!Any way she could get ahold of me I made available to her,and will never regret doing it!We myspaced,facebooked,twittered,txted,and phoned via mobile and land line!Crazy,well possibly,but I wanted to be available to her if she needed me!Turns out we still missed each other from time to time,but atleast she could get me and we could reconnect in a few!She was one of those moms who can do it all,she had a daily chore list like none of you have seen I'm sure,and yet she still smiled and held out her hand for any in need of her.She is truely an amazing person,she even had a church family and a strong faith that she shared on a daily basis with out being preachy,or ashamed as some are.Her children were well behaved because she loved them and expected them to behave.Her friends all love her,because she was an amazing friend,always there with a hand,a shoulder,wisdom of her faith,any support you needed she had to give freely.She was a devoted mother and wife,a loving daughter and sister a generally GOOD person,and I LOVE her for all that she is,and all I hoped we'd do together.

I got a very terrible phone call from her husband 15 days ago telling me the worst news I could hear,her life was taken!She was not with us any longer and he knew she'd want me there.I couldn't really comprehend the information,my legs crumpled and my hands shook as I had to listen again and gave the phone to my DH so he could tell me I was wrong! He didn't of course,he held me and wept along side me.I had to know more,I had to talk to her husband and find out what I could do.Our thoughts went immeadately to her children and parents and how could I help them?I tried to function and care for my own family,but my mind was in total chaos actually I think it still is!Her church family stepped right in to assist her family,and friends of her husband came to his side.Her parents said come when you can,the house is full and we're trying to manage with the children.We are not alone,so please don't worry!!! Even in their most darkest moments they have grace and concern for me and my family.I love them too.I got to them with another old friend who seems to be there when he is very needed,I feel so lost without her,and so worried for her family.I'm so far away from them and am limited in what I can do,but so want to do everything for them.She'd be so mad at me for being so down about this.She'd tell me to take care of my children,and don't worry about her,just like I'd tell her about me!!!She was happy about our buying the house,and kept pushing her horse on me.She wanted him to be used and loved but to still own him,so I was the perfect solution for her!She so knew how to get her way!!!!

Well I'm here but not sure how long,I'll try to be better,but we are having a closing soon,and so then a move.Much to do in the next few months,but I'm still trying to be happy but find it harder than before,and I'm getting up and functioning for my childrens sake,but feel so helpless and useless and even poor at my own job as a mum!We'll see how things go and I'll try to be better,more like her,she's definitly one to strive to be like!I still haven't said goodbye as I really can't,and when I go to her place it feels like she's still there,I love being there,I miss her daily calls and txts,and FB has lost it's fun,but I'm staying for her!She brought alot of people together and I'm greatful for meeting them,and re connecting with others.My boys don't really get it,and so another goal of hers is that I'm trying to find a church that'll fit with my beliefs yet can explain this situation better to them.Life is a crazy up and down roller coaster,and I'm trying to saty in the damned car!!!!