Bell notes....

Well,it still doesn't seem real,and I hate being so far away and out of touch with the children.Life isn't perfect I know this fact,but why can't you be here so it'll be a whole lot closer! I want so much to be able to do more and just aren't able to at present.Would there really be a better time for this to be happening,yeah,as a matter of fact there would be........in about 50 years I'd be able to better accept it!!!!!! I'm still quite angry at the fact that you can't be here with us all.I do realize that I don't have the right to question,or even the capacity to understand why things happen the way they do,but luckily I'm human so I do things like this anyway!J is doing her very best,and she's right next door.She's trying to be a strong force in their lives without being to in your face.I know why you wanted us to meet,and I see how she helps fill in my weaker sides.I'm learning from her,but I've got my lil'posse wanting my attention and needing my income.Yet I'm still trying to plan my time down there and angrry I can't make it happen right now!

I also feel you pushing me to take care of my wee peeps as you always say they come first!They've kept me going,and I'm trying to do my best.I can't believe how much your presence in my life is missed,I check my phone with every ring to see if it's you......I can't accept that you'll NEVER call again!I'm not ready,we have so much left to do,our children too!I can't accept that you'd rather be anywhere else in the universe than with your children.........What can I do?Show me what is worth the pain of your loss to them,and all of us who truely love you,I know where I'm going,even though I've joked lately that I've got 2 excellent ins now I'll surely get in!I know the truth,that's why I question!I've learned to push things down and hide them away so I can deal with them later.What I'm wondering is when will later come?I'll talk to you later,I've got to call your folks and check in.Love and miss you,call me sometime would ya! xxx